Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
