went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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