also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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