did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
