Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
