Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
