just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
