just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
