why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
