Do you still have your period?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
