If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
NoShamevember. You game?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
