He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
