It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
