do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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