Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
