why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
