Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
