I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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