No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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