I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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