Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
