also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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