I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
