at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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