just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
