now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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