I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
