update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
