im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
