We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
