White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize