I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Found your dick twin last night
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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