shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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