I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
