Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
