I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
