Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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