"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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