I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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