i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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