i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
