he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
