woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
