I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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