Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
