Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
