the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
