Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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