on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
