dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
