This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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