You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
