i just sent this text using only my big toe
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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