question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
