textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
